Ramblings

So...

Certain events in the Tegler centre at school today reminded me that I haven't posted here since before Easter--though a corner of my mind was planning to right after the Vigil Mass (well... I stayed up until 4:30 that morning, and then some, and I went away the following morning... so it didn't happen).

Anyways... Easter was good. I went out to my uncle's for Sunday afternoon/Monday, and it was good, as usual, to get away from the Seminary. Not that the seminary is grating, or even that it wouldn't have been a good place to party (I missed cigars Sunday evening... to my disappointment), but it's always nice to have a change of pace.

The weather was spectacular on Sunday-- a beautiful day to drive, or to walk, or to do anything. Between that and the return of the aforesaid beautiful weather the last couple days, I'm ready for summer. Not for the heat, so much, as for the doings of things outside.

Of course, visiting my aunt and uncle is always fun because I'm treated like unto a superstar by my four (almost five) year old cousin. Now there's a little charmer! Of course, it means I get to indulge my playful side by playing with LEGO. While I have LEGO here at the Seminary, and have fiddled with it now and again, I don't really get to PLAY with it.

Technically, because of Easter Monday being a holiday, school goes until next Monday, but for all practical intents and purposes, today was my last day of class. I'll show up on Monday, and get my brownie points in with the English prof, but my classes are just review classes.

I'm feeling awfully bittersweet about school ending. On the one hand is utter jubilation: I've actually done a year of seminary! That was fast! I'm actually only SEVEN years until ordination, not eight! And I'm glad to have no school...

But.

There's always a "but".

I'm sad to not being around school. I'm going to miss being around the people (including most of the student body: all the people I don't know), I'm going to miss certain people specifically. And I'm going to miss Edmonton in general.

Heck, by moving home, I'm going to miss having a bedroom! A bed in the storage area of the basement, a bedroom is not! And I'm not so sure that I'm eager to work. Sure I can use the exercise, and it'll be nice to do something completely different... but I'm really a lazy character at heart.

And there's hardly anybody at home to hang out with. Never mind people having moved away or moved on... I've moved on. I'm not the same Michael I was last summer. Most of the people won't have the experience of any university or college, nevermind the seminary, the two things that have been the central focus of my life for eight months. There's simply no one in my peer group who is, experience-wise, my peer.

But... it'll be okay. I'm sure I'll look back on this summer fondly. There are events enough to make it interesting: ordinations, weddings, my sister's First Communion, my brother's Grad, the Bones Tournament. I'll try and get another camping trip in with my brothers, too...

Jumping topics completely, as is my authorial right, looking back over this semester, I'm kind of disappointed in myself, here at the end, with my apathy. I feel like, sometime in in the last two weeks or so, like I completely lost my drive and focus. Handing in my last essay really didn't really do me any good, I'm thinking. I've had two weeks of no work to do (other than attend class) while everyone around me is drowning in work. Couple with end-of-the-year fatigue, I'm just... I dunno... crashing. Not necessarily in a bad way... but not necessarily in a good way.

I haven't managed to make meditation on time once since Palm Sunday. I wake up in the morning and I hit the snooze, as if I just don't care whether or not I make it to Morning Prayer or not. As I said, it's not necessarily bad, as it could just mean that I'm finally loosening up, and fitting into the community properly (most guys don't stress too much about ALWAYS making Morning Prayer and Meditation)... but I'm a little concerned. I don't want to get too comfortable. I WANT to be the same, responsible, Always There, seminarian in my last year as in my first. I want to be engaged.

Another random thought: I think half the reason I enjoy spending time with people doing just about anything is that I spend so much time alone... It's not that I'm starved for human contact, just that I always have a good appetite. If that makes any sense.

And, finally... it's occuring to me that no matter how much older, wiser, and self-aware I get, the more I realise I don't change. And the more I don't care. More about that another day, perhaps...