Loner

So, further to my last comments of the previous post...

I believe I said something to the effect of "the older I get, the more I am aware of my foibles, and (sometimes) the more I try to avoid them, the more I see myself doing the same things--over and over and over".

Well, if I didn't say it that way, I should have.

Take, for example, the fact that I am a loner.

Not always, of course! Put me in a large group, and I probably won't be the guy over there in the corner pretending everyone else exists... no, I'll be in there listening, if not talking. But that's if I've been put in a group.

What about when I'm not in a group?

I am not someone around whom groups form. People don't come up to me to hang out. People don't look for me in the crowd as a familiar face. And I am certainly to blame! I am not much of an approacher of strangers (I'm getting better... but I've a long way to go). Put me in new situations, such as a new job or school, and I take a while to warm up to those around me.

I'm used to this about me. It's been the case since I started homeschooling, if not for years before that (I simply don't remember). I've always enjoyed being around people... but I am very rarely the one to say "hey, let's go do something".

Anyway... the point is that I am a loner. I'm not complaining, though I have done so about it many times in the past. Once you get me into a social situation, I'm witty enough and non-annoying enough that I don't get shunted out. To stop being a loner, all I have to do is start instigating things. I'm (arrogantly, perhaps) confidant enough in my popularity to feel sure I wouldn't be rejected by life.

So. I'm a loner. So what?

Well, it's interesting... earlier in the school year, I would have said that I tend to be less of a loner the longer I'm in a community I'm familiar with: the longer I'm in seminary, or the longer I'm at Concordia, the less of a loner I'm liable to be.

I'm not sure of that, on reflection.

Thing is, using Concordia as an example, although I'm more comfortable at school, more familiar with a number of fellow students, and have more that I would number as friends... I don't REALLY spend any more time or effort around any of them. The time I do spend is time better spent... but I seem to have an internal brake that kicks in after a certain point, which says "so far and no farther".

It's true in seminary too. While I'm definitely closer with a number of my seminarian brothers, and spend more time with them than previously... there is still a rebellious instinct somewhere in me that says "I'd rather fume in my room writing LEGO books than hang out right now". It's as if I'm addicted to moments of being alone and being grumpy about it.

Anyways... I'm odd.

In other notes: today is the last time I have to do the sacristy laundry this year. Maybe ever. Yes! Not the last time I have to do laundry before I go home, though... I'll probably not want to stretch it that far.

Also: the prospect of going home doesn't look nearly so bad right now. Last night, with no community event (normal on Friday evenings), nothing on TV, and no school to work on, and everybody holed up doing who knows what, I was BORED. Dead bored. I went to bed early. Olds might not be so bad... at least there are siblings.

And: Deacon Rectorino had a good comment from his old rector in Seminary at Manila, given before holidays: (paraphrasing) "Remember that you are seminarians. Live so as to give no one any reason to think that you are not worthy to return to Seminary."

I almost wonder if it's not that mentality at the core of my loner-ness. Long before I came to Seminary I thought with a Seminary mind, a mind of a priest-wannabe. There always needs to be boundaries, there is always a distinction between priest and people. The priest is always on-call, and never romantically entangled. Is this loner-ness my priest-instinct reminding me that as a priest I will have to abandon parties I'd rather stay for, that I won't have the time to hang out with the people that I'd like to, and that propriety won't allow me to do all such hanging out when/where/with people/in the ways I would like.

Another note: I've noticed that I tend to have my "I don't want to be a priest moments" most often when I'm grumpy. Does this make me a fair-weather seminarian, or does this mean that the devil can only sneak in the temptation when my emotional defences are low?