Last night the seminary community commuted en masse to St. Thomas More parish for the ordination to the diaconate of one of our own. Victor Botari of the Archdiocese of Edmonton was ordained a transitional deacon in expectation of his ordination to the priesthood in about a year's time. It was my seventh ordination attended, my second diaconal one, and the first ordination in Edmonton since receiving our new Archbishop.
It was a beautiful service, and as ordinations tend to do for me, I came away hungrier than usual for my own ordinations. The music was excellent, the atmosphere serene, and the food afterwards delicious.
For some reason, six years looks incredibly longer than usual at the moment, that being how long about until my diaconal ordination. Really, it's kind of silly, given that I have my whole life to serve as an ordained minister--why should I feel the need to rush it? But I do want to rush it. Badly.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Music
I love being able to sing. The past few weeks I've experienced daily the agony of not being able to and the joy of doing so. Morning Prayer (& Mass) around 7:30 has been horrible for me. I've had phlegm in my throat, I've found higher notes impossible to hit, and I don't have any volume. It's almost a spiritual desolation not being able to sing.
But then Evening Prayer (& Mass) comes along, as today, and my voice hits all the notes, and the joy of singing is inexpressible.
Music plays a pretty large role in my life, I've noticed, and not just because I get it daily in the Liturgy of the Hours and Mass. Putting on a CD or the radio in my room or car when I'm alone is natural going on the Internet, and I have a growing tendency to hum or sing (at varying volumes) when I'm walking alone, either in the hallways here or to and fro at Concordia. Most of these hummed/sung tunes tend to be religious in nature, typically something from Mass or prayer that morning, and they connect me in an interesting way to my faith throughout the day, as well as generally leaving me in a cheerier mood.
I've also noticed that my vocational mood will shift depending on the type of song in my head, though whether as a result or a cause thereof I do not know. Classic pieces, Latin chants, and hymns--not surprisingly--tend to boost my priestly yearnings, while more secular songs (often, but not always, Country) tend to put me into a more wistful, "what if" sort of a mood. It's interesting to note, though, that though there's a wistfulness, it's sort of a half-hearted wistfulness, as if it would hurt much more if I actually wanted some other vocation.
Today the song in my head has been "Panis Angelicus", the more or less most famous version. Pablo had Andrea Bocelli's version playing on the way to Concordia, and it's now pretty much stuck. I'm trying to coerce it out by playing other songs, but I'm having little success.
But then Evening Prayer (& Mass) comes along, as today, and my voice hits all the notes, and the joy of singing is inexpressible.
Music plays a pretty large role in my life, I've noticed, and not just because I get it daily in the Liturgy of the Hours and Mass. Putting on a CD or the radio in my room or car when I'm alone is natural going on the Internet, and I have a growing tendency to hum or sing (at varying volumes) when I'm walking alone, either in the hallways here or to and fro at Concordia. Most of these hummed/sung tunes tend to be religious in nature, typically something from Mass or prayer that morning, and they connect me in an interesting way to my faith throughout the day, as well as generally leaving me in a cheerier mood.
I've also noticed that my vocational mood will shift depending on the type of song in my head, though whether as a result or a cause thereof I do not know. Classic pieces, Latin chants, and hymns--not surprisingly--tend to boost my priestly yearnings, while more secular songs (often, but not always, Country) tend to put me into a more wistful, "what if" sort of a mood. It's interesting to note, though, that though there's a wistfulness, it's sort of a half-hearted wistfulness, as if it would hurt much more if I actually wanted some other vocation.
Today the song in my head has been "Panis Angelicus", the more or less most famous version. Pablo had Andrea Bocelli's version playing on the way to Concordia, and it's now pretty much stuck. I'm trying to coerce it out by playing other songs, but I'm having little success.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The Logical Conclusion
I've decided that, for my own good, it would probably be better if I wasn't taking Philosophy.
Kidding. A bit.
The fact is that I have already seen how dangerous it is to wield reason, for one's own sake. Truly, logic is a two-edged sword.
Yesterday, it cut backwards.
I was having a not-particularly-serious discussion about going to chapel. The whole campus on Concordia shuts down for half an hour each morning for chapel--which most students don't attend, myself included. My reasoning for going was never really thought out, but basically it came down to a dislike of style of worship. Call me a Catholic elitist, call me picky, or call me whatever... I wasn't going.
Anyway, I was sort of teasing a friend about going to "feel-good chapel", and she (wisely) was ignoring my arguments and telling me I was being too stubborn (which I was). During a lull in the conversation, however, I had a rather painful epiphany.
My reason for criticising, even in jest, those going to chapel is that they went simply because they wanted to. Well, that was a pretty hypocritical attitude to take, I now realised, since I was not going for basically the same reason: I wasn't feeling good about it.
The logical conclusion then, was that I could no longer criticise those going to chapel. Or, if I were to criticise them for going simply because it felt good, I would be morally obliged to go myself, DESPITE not really enjoying it, if I intended to retain the premise that feelings are a poor basis for worship.
I was also quite unable to come up with a difference reason for avoiding chapel. The fact that it's at a Lutheran college gets me nowhere, since it's a nondenominational worship in pretty much every sense, and quite apart from excusing myself from attending on the grounds of being a Catholic seminarian, I am in fact obliged to attend as a practical sign of ecumenism and Christian unity.
The end result? Barring a startling philosophic revelation, I will likely be in chapel tomorrow (today I'm not at Concordia until 12:30, so I'm excused on the grounds of simply not being at school).
I'm sure this is good for my soul. The having to die to self part makes that evidently clear.
Kidding. A bit.
The fact is that I have already seen how dangerous it is to wield reason, for one's own sake. Truly, logic is a two-edged sword.
Yesterday, it cut backwards.
I was having a not-particularly-serious discussion about going to chapel. The whole campus on Concordia shuts down for half an hour each morning for chapel--which most students don't attend, myself included. My reasoning for going was never really thought out, but basically it came down to a dislike of style of worship. Call me a Catholic elitist, call me picky, or call me whatever... I wasn't going.
Anyway, I was sort of teasing a friend about going to "feel-good chapel", and she (wisely) was ignoring my arguments and telling me I was being too stubborn (which I was). During a lull in the conversation, however, I had a rather painful epiphany.
My reason for criticising, even in jest, those going to chapel is that they went simply because they wanted to. Well, that was a pretty hypocritical attitude to take, I now realised, since I was not going for basically the same reason: I wasn't feeling good about it.
The logical conclusion then, was that I could no longer criticise those going to chapel. Or, if I were to criticise them for going simply because it felt good, I would be morally obliged to go myself, DESPITE not really enjoying it, if I intended to retain the premise that feelings are a poor basis for worship.
I was also quite unable to come up with a difference reason for avoiding chapel. The fact that it's at a Lutheran college gets me nowhere, since it's a nondenominational worship in pretty much every sense, and quite apart from excusing myself from attending on the grounds of being a Catholic seminarian, I am in fact obliged to attend as a practical sign of ecumenism and Christian unity.
The end result? Barring a startling philosophic revelation, I will likely be in chapel tomorrow (today I'm not at Concordia until 12:30, so I'm excused on the grounds of simply not being at school).
I'm sure this is good for my soul. The having to die to self part makes that evidently clear.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Friday Afternoon Blues
It's been all of a week since I last wrote here, and I feel almost... guilty. I mean, a week is REALLY a long time to leave it... okay. Not really.
Actually, it means I'm about right on par for where I was last year in terms of normal posting, which also means that the summer is definitely over. And, after my first full week of classes, I cannot but agree with that. It's been a full week, a busy week, and overall a good week. I really do like being back in school. I missed the place, and the people more importantly, quite a lot.
Which may, or may not, explain the odd feeling I've got right now, fresh back from my last day of the week. On the on hand, I feel awesome: I had an awesome day in class, the weather is good, I had hilarious fun after class, we're going to the football game tonight, and I don't have to get up early for two days. All of that is great, and I feel great about all of that.
And yet... and yet... it's like there's something missing, a feeling that today somehow failed to live up to its promise, that in coming home I've admitted defeat and I'm doomed to a weekend of misery. And while, yes, I do have a full slate of homework, I'm looking forward to getting at it, believe it or not, and I'm going out to visit my aunt and uncle on Sunday, and I'm excited about that.
What then, has me with this wistful feeling that today could have been better?
I don't know... but I'd point the guess in the direction of the fact that I really do enjoy being at Concordia.
Actually, it means I'm about right on par for where I was last year in terms of normal posting, which also means that the summer is definitely over. And, after my first full week of classes, I cannot but agree with that. It's been a full week, a busy week, and overall a good week. I really do like being back in school. I missed the place, and the people more importantly, quite a lot.
Which may, or may not, explain the odd feeling I've got right now, fresh back from my last day of the week. On the on hand, I feel awesome: I had an awesome day in class, the weather is good, I had hilarious fun after class, we're going to the football game tonight, and I don't have to get up early for two days. All of that is great, and I feel great about all of that.
And yet... and yet... it's like there's something missing, a feeling that today somehow failed to live up to its promise, that in coming home I've admitted defeat and I'm doomed to a weekend of misery. And while, yes, I do have a full slate of homework, I'm looking forward to getting at it, believe it or not, and I'm going out to visit my aunt and uncle on Sunday, and I'm excited about that.
What then, has me with this wistful feeling that today could have been better?
I don't know... but I'd point the guess in the direction of the fact that I really do enjoy being at Concordia.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Friday Night Live
So... it's a Friday night, most people my age are on the town, and while I am not in bed yet (and I should be), I'm still alive and kicking.
It's been a great first week back to school, in some respects. I've really missed Concordia, and the people there, and even to an extent the hectic pace of homework and commutes. At the risk of sounding very elementary school-ish, I've already "made three new friends", in a manner of speaking, which for me is downright astounding. I am not, generally, an instant friend-maker. I spent the majority of time last year not only without making many friends, but also without having many to begin with. Much of it was a pretty lonely year.
I guess you could say then that I've definitely grown in the past 12 months, since last September. I know this is true in other ways. Just in general, I've become a lot more confidant and even (dare I make the claim?) leaderly. Just up and speaking in front of the seminary community with a bit of a voice of direction is not something I did at all last year, and I certainly didn't walk into strange new situations without anxiety. Maybe it's just that I feel like I'm really at home, coming back this year, but I really do feel a lot more confidant, both here and at Concordia.
I have to say, I'm going to miss Concordia... though I wouldn't want to delay my ordination by staying longer. I just hope I manage to keep in contact with friends made there. Facebook, while good for knowing some things, really doesn't do that job, though it can lay the foundations.
It's been a great first week back to school, in some respects. I've really missed Concordia, and the people there, and even to an extent the hectic pace of homework and commutes. At the risk of sounding very elementary school-ish, I've already "made three new friends", in a manner of speaking, which for me is downright astounding. I am not, generally, an instant friend-maker. I spent the majority of time last year not only without making many friends, but also without having many to begin with. Much of it was a pretty lonely year.
I guess you could say then that I've definitely grown in the past 12 months, since last September. I know this is true in other ways. Just in general, I've become a lot more confidant and even (dare I make the claim?) leaderly. Just up and speaking in front of the seminary community with a bit of a voice of direction is not something I did at all last year, and I certainly didn't walk into strange new situations without anxiety. Maybe it's just that I feel like I'm really at home, coming back this year, but I really do feel a lot more confidant, both here and at Concordia.
I have to say, I'm going to miss Concordia... though I wouldn't want to delay my ordination by staying longer. I just hope I manage to keep in contact with friends made there. Facebook, while good for knowing some things, really doesn't do that job, though it can lay the foundations.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
A Tale of Two Days
My first two days of being back "in school" have now officially been survived. The first day of being back in the school, Orientation Day, was yesterday. The first day being being back at schooling was today.
The two days could scarcely have been more different, I suspect.
Yesterday, I headed to Concordia as early as I could, after a whirlwind tour of the seminary, as I prepared for all sorts of things, in order to try and reach the college early enough to help as a volunteer. Somehow, I'm not entirely sure how, I got roped into volunteering with the Orientation, an event I was somewhat dreading between being somewhat shy and somewhat concerned about my leg.
I needn't have worried: it was a blast! It was so great to be back in school, and it was awesome seeing people I hadn't seen in months, and of reconnecting--even with people I'm not sure I ever connected with the first year around. It was also totally awesome to see how far one comes in a year, looking at all the freshmen with bemused detachment, as these first-timer college students follow you around in very serious, docile timidity.
Yesterday was also the Orientation Day here at Newman, and I got back in time for the supper barbecue, and that too was great as I got to reconnect with a number of the people that, while I might not have studied with them, I was around enough (since I live here) to be well remembered. It was an excellent supper, with great fellowship, and then it turned into an awesome evening as we had a campfire, and a number of the seminarians sat around drinking Uzo and smoking Cuban cigars (yes, I had a Cuban cigar).
Then it was time for Compline, Night Prayer, and that went beautifully as well, I thought. I exited brimming with excitement, and fell in with the crew of post-firepit seminarians heading off to Boston Pizza for "supper". More fellowship and fun.
After all the awesome excitement of the Orientations Day, today was drudgery. True, it was an adventure bouncing all over campus trying to find classes, help with policing the Opening Convocation, and trying to get books out of the bookstore in one piece--but it marked a return to the true sweat and tears of the college routine. Although I know this semester won't overly tax me, it was very overwhelming to run the gamot of all the assignments and expectations of the year to come. It was also a thoroughly exhausting day as I had three classes back-to-back to attend, then another class later, meaning that I have four of my five classes (the normal maximum) that need to be attended on Mondays and Fridays.
Still, I have to admit that I'm liking what the semester looks like. I'm really pleased with my choices in courses. The courses that I started today are as follows:
Early Renaissance English: including St. Thomas More's Utopia, and Shakespeare's Twelvth Night, among others.
Ancient Near Easter Religions: The mythology, history, and culture of the Sumerian, Babylonian, Canaanite, Hittite, Assyrian, and Egyptian cultures. (And it counts as my religion credit! Woot!)
History of Western Philosophy: Modern: Focussing on Descartes, Berkeley, and Kant, primarily.
Ethics: Another Philosophy course, focussing on Aristotle's ethics, Kant again, and John Mills' Utilitarianism. The setup for this course in particular looks to be a lot of fun.
The last class, which I don't start until tomorrow, is another Philosophy course: Analysis of Contemporary Issues. It's the only junior level course I'm taking this semester, and according to a guy who took it last year, it's really good. It has the same prof as my other two Philosophies of the semester, and I'm really liking his style so far.
Still, excited as I am, it's been a long day putting the nose back to the grindstone. I keep wondering when it'll start feeling normal, and I'll start settling in again--then I remember what Fr. Shayne said last year, about things never following the schedule BEING the seminary's schedule.
But yay! I'm home, and I'm in school, and--God willing--things will keep being awesome.
Meanwhile, I should maybe think about my homework.
Yeah....
The two days could scarcely have been more different, I suspect.
Yesterday, I headed to Concordia as early as I could, after a whirlwind tour of the seminary, as I prepared for all sorts of things, in order to try and reach the college early enough to help as a volunteer. Somehow, I'm not entirely sure how, I got roped into volunteering with the Orientation, an event I was somewhat dreading between being somewhat shy and somewhat concerned about my leg.
I needn't have worried: it was a blast! It was so great to be back in school, and it was awesome seeing people I hadn't seen in months, and of reconnecting--even with people I'm not sure I ever connected with the first year around. It was also totally awesome to see how far one comes in a year, looking at all the freshmen with bemused detachment, as these first-timer college students follow you around in very serious, docile timidity.
Yesterday was also the Orientation Day here at Newman, and I got back in time for the supper barbecue, and that too was great as I got to reconnect with a number of the people that, while I might not have studied with them, I was around enough (since I live here) to be well remembered. It was an excellent supper, with great fellowship, and then it turned into an awesome evening as we had a campfire, and a number of the seminarians sat around drinking Uzo and smoking Cuban cigars (yes, I had a Cuban cigar).
Then it was time for Compline, Night Prayer, and that went beautifully as well, I thought. I exited brimming with excitement, and fell in with the crew of post-firepit seminarians heading off to Boston Pizza for "supper". More fellowship and fun.
After all the awesome excitement of the Orientations Day, today was drudgery. True, it was an adventure bouncing all over campus trying to find classes, help with policing the Opening Convocation, and trying to get books out of the bookstore in one piece--but it marked a return to the true sweat and tears of the college routine. Although I know this semester won't overly tax me, it was very overwhelming to run the gamot of all the assignments and expectations of the year to come. It was also a thoroughly exhausting day as I had three classes back-to-back to attend, then another class later, meaning that I have four of my five classes (the normal maximum) that need to be attended on Mondays and Fridays.
Still, I have to admit that I'm liking what the semester looks like. I'm really pleased with my choices in courses. The courses that I started today are as follows:
Early Renaissance English: including St. Thomas More's Utopia, and Shakespeare's Twelvth Night, among others.
Ancient Near Easter Religions: The mythology, history, and culture of the Sumerian, Babylonian, Canaanite, Hittite, Assyrian, and Egyptian cultures. (And it counts as my religion credit! Woot!)
History of Western Philosophy: Modern: Focussing on Descartes, Berkeley, and Kant, primarily.
Ethics: Another Philosophy course, focussing on Aristotle's ethics, Kant again, and John Mills' Utilitarianism. The setup for this course in particular looks to be a lot of fun.
The last class, which I don't start until tomorrow, is another Philosophy course: Analysis of Contemporary Issues. It's the only junior level course I'm taking this semester, and according to a guy who took it last year, it's really good. It has the same prof as my other two Philosophies of the semester, and I'm really liking his style so far.
Still, excited as I am, it's been a long day putting the nose back to the grindstone. I keep wondering when it'll start feeling normal, and I'll start settling in again--then I remember what Fr. Shayne said last year, about things never following the schedule BEING the seminary's schedule.
But yay! I'm home, and I'm in school, and--God willing--things will keep being awesome.
Meanwhile, I should maybe think about my homework.
Yeah....
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Retreat into Renewal
I am now back from the opening retreat of the seminary year, and I am filled with all kinds of reflections on what an amazing experience it was. Our speaker, Bishop Richard Gagnon of Victoria, did an excellent job and somehow what he said has melded in my mind with the books I was reading this week: Jesus of Nazareth, by Pope Benedict, A House United?, by Keith Fournier, and The Gift of Faith, by Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer. Separate posts on each of the books may follow, depending on how my weekend goes, but for the moment, here are the main thoughts that came out of my weekend:
Jesus is the centre and focus of the Church. Seems like a bit of a "duh!" statement, but it's one of those things that needs to be revisited, to be remembered. It's pretty easy to get caught up in the serving of people, the self-improvement, the day-to-day stuff, and forget that the real foundation of Christianity goes beyond that, but is specifically Christ-centric.
Secondly, there's a new clarity regarding sin and God's love. Ironically, given that I've just called it a clarity, I'm not entirely sure how to put it... but basically it comes down to the fact that sin, first and foremost isn't about us--isn't about me, myself, and I, as it often tends to be viewed--but is about God and us, about our relationship with God.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I think, is the idea that holiness can be planned. For me, this is particularly important, given that I'm a planner. All too often, my spiritual life is haphazard in how it works, and it is an important step for me to realise that "okay, even if I probably haven't got the reliability to follow it totally, every day, I should at least PLAN for prayer and personal time with God, above and beyond the demands of seminary routine". Seminary routine is great, but it doesn't require MY self-discipline, just my obedience to the rules. If I am to be a good priest--nay, if I am to be a good Christian--I need to do MORE. I need to make my relationship with God a priority.
That, in a nutshell, is the fundamentals of my retreat. And now it's time to take off for an uncle's birthday.
Jesus is the centre and focus of the Church. Seems like a bit of a "duh!" statement, but it's one of those things that needs to be revisited, to be remembered. It's pretty easy to get caught up in the serving of people, the self-improvement, the day-to-day stuff, and forget that the real foundation of Christianity goes beyond that, but is specifically Christ-centric.
Secondly, there's a new clarity regarding sin and God's love. Ironically, given that I've just called it a clarity, I'm not entirely sure how to put it... but basically it comes down to the fact that sin, first and foremost isn't about us--isn't about me, myself, and I, as it often tends to be viewed--but is about God and us, about our relationship with God.
Thirdly, and most importantly, I think, is the idea that holiness can be planned. For me, this is particularly important, given that I'm a planner. All too often, my spiritual life is haphazard in how it works, and it is an important step for me to realise that "okay, even if I probably haven't got the reliability to follow it totally, every day, I should at least PLAN for prayer and personal time with God, above and beyond the demands of seminary routine". Seminary routine is great, but it doesn't require MY self-discipline, just my obedience to the rules. If I am to be a good priest--nay, if I am to be a good Christian--I need to do MORE. I need to make my relationship with God a priority.
That, in a nutshell, is the fundamentals of my retreat. And now it's time to take off for an uncle's birthday.
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