"...You are holy, holy. The Universe declares Your majesty. You are Holy, Holy. Lord of Heaven and Earth."
I am in a mood I like to think of as a post-sacramental high. It's that awesome rush of praise and thanksgiving that wells up after Mass and receiving the Eucharist, or after Reconciliation. It's a grace, and so doesn't exactly show up after every reception of the sacraments, but when it does, nothing compares!
Let it never be said that a priest has no passion! No sex, yes. No partner, yes. But passion? Oh yes!
This afternoon was Archbishop Thomas Collins' farewell from the Archdiocese, downtown at the basilica. Somehow, for reasons unknown to me, I got one of the four invitations handed out to the seminarians, and so got to attend. Mostly, it was an awful lot of thanking the Archbishop for his years of service, and a chance for him to say goodbye to a lot of people... but it touched on the joy of being a priest, particularly in His Grace's own farewell message.
And I can see it in so many of the priests around me! In Fr. Stephen, at church tonight, in Frs. Shayne, Marco, Stephen, Augusto, and Eric here at the Seminary. In Fr. Les back home. In pretty much all the priests I've known much in my short life. And I can feel the same or a similar passion burning in me to become a priest. If a priest does not have passion for his priesthood, something is horribly wrong!
And tonight is one of those nights when you can FEEL the passion consuming you. From my head to my toe, I want to be a priest. I want to be ordained, I want to wear the collar, I want to preach the Gospel. And oh, oh! how I want to celebrate Mass! My body aches to take the bread and wine, to say the words of Our Lord, to genuflect in awe at the miracle God has worked through me. I yearn with my whole being to rise, and beckon the people of God in soaring notes to "Proclaim the Mystery of Faith!"
"Christ has died. Christ is Risen. Christ will come again!"
In the words of the Psalmist:
"O God, you are my God, for You I long,
For You my soul is thirsting,
My body pines for You,
Like a dry, weary land without water,
So I gaze on You in the santuary,
To see Your strength and Your glory."
I cannot even attempt to describe this feeling of surety, love, and consuming desire. The image of flames-- crackling, burning, roaring, devouring, shining in the darkness, soaring up to Heaven-- it's the closest description one can have of how I feel for my vocation right now.
God is good. God is so good, to give me this fiery pull towards the altar. It's not as if it's been one of those weekends I've been particularly holy. If anything, I've been morosely contemplating my lack of spiritual growth, and I've been considering a lot the reality of relationships, of having girlfriends, and it's been a bit of a nostalgic moment on that front.
But no more!
There is definitely a bittersweet ache in my heart, looking at couples, thinking of people in love, getting married. There's definitely a part of me, as a normal human being, that desires this the normal human desire.
But it pales in comparison to the awesome vocation I feel God is calling me towards. The sweet chirping of the marriage sparrow has nothing on the soaring grandeur of the priestly feeling. At least, such is the feeling for me.
I cannot, of course, know that I'm called to be a priest until that moment at last comes when the bishop lays his hands on my head and there's no going back... but for now, for now I cannot say I forsee any other end. If there is a life for me other than that as a priest, God is keeping it hidden, and meanwhile is providing me with a burning flame to keep me where I need to be at the moment: here in the Seminary.
Alleluia!!!!
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12 comments:
"Lord of all creation, of water, earth and sky, the heavens are Your tabernacle. Glory to the Lord on high."
Love that song.
And I'm so unspeakably, indescribably happy for you. :)
That's awesome! Though we are of different faiths, I, too, am happy for you. :-D
btw, I've added you to my blogroll. Hope you don't mind!
Sis: 'tis a very nice song indeed. And it was at Mass last night, hence the humming...
Didn't realise it was known in the Philippines, but then... I'm not exactly an expert on all things international.
Nathan: Don't mind at all. I'm flattered.
Maybe it is becasue I was raised protestant ( albeit "Anglo-catholic"), and I know we have a different attitude to the priesthood, but the Catholic church's insistance on priests being celibate just seems to be enforcing a pointless and cruel sacrifice. Priests were often married in the early church so it can hardly be a fundamental requirement.
Ah, but my dear Mithalwen, the Church does not insist, nor has it ever, that celibacy is NECESSARY for the priesthood. A cursory glance at our Eastern rites, or converted Anglican/Lutheran priests, or (as you say) our distant history, will show that we have never held it NECESSARY for holy orders.
Just because it is not dogma, however, does not mean that Rome is incorrect to make it a discipline. St. Paul urged the early Church to celibacy for some very good reasons, and for these same reasons, and possibly others, the Church has seen fit since to make it a stipulation for ordination.
As a matter of discipline, it is something the Holy See could dispense with at any time-- and as I noted, it has made exception many times. But it requires it for good reasons, and since trust in the Holy Spirit's guidance of the Church is dogma no matter what the age, while I may or may not agree or attempt to influence change in the Church's disciplines, it is not my place to outright rebel.
Okay, I could be getting carried away. Best stop here.
Oh don't stop on my account ;). Of course if noone rebelled nothing would change and belonging to a gender which has profitted immensely from the rebellion of others over the past hundred years I have to say that a bit of rebellion can be a jolly good thing ... also there is the problem that the people who make the decisions with your lot have all made the sacrifice and with the best will in the world are liable to take the attitude of "we did why shouldn't they".....
Thing is, though, it wouldn't be so much rebellion to argue with the Church's rules of celibacy so much as it would be a basic betrayal of who I am... since I happen to agree that celibacy is best. And this is not the product of blind trust, I assure you, but a long process of thought and reasoning... I do not think I could do justice to being both a priest and a husband/father. One or the other would necessarily suffer. I know this about myself at least.
That is one argument that makes some sense to me at least and I know that some vicars' children resent the demands of the parish on family life - although a bonus of the admission of women to the Angliscan priesthood is that the vicar's spouse can no longer be taken for granted as part of the package..since the same is not expected of a vicar's husband as a vicar's wife - feminism hasn't achieved quite that much.
However I many men combine demanding professional lives with personal ones successfully. And I was not proposing making marriage compulsory....
Of course in my tradition family men are greatly preferred .... I found myself the centre of much attention from the ladies of the parish when my friend was ordained into the Church of Ireland hopeful that I might be the future Mrs Vicar ...eeeeeeeek
Well, there will never be female Catholic priests-- this IS a matter of doctrine, not disciplined-- meaning there are theological and not just traditional and practical reasons barring the ordination of women. Consequently, any advances the Anglican church may have found or it think itself to have found in that matter are not quite applicable.
There is room in the Church, I think, to someday see married priests being more of the norm, as they are seen in the Eastern churches. If so, I expect the tradition of choosing bishops from only the celibate priests would likely be the case, again, as it is the East. But though there is room, I think it unlikely.
The thing about the Catholic Church is that while it adapts to times in terms of presentation, it's pretty much unwavering in matters of what it believes. This, of course, will be perceived as obstinate foolishness, the product of a bigoted religion, mired in the mistakes of the past. Such is how it has always been perceived, and I don't see it likely to change.
As to married professional men... there is a difference, I would say, between a priest and (for example) a doctor or lawyer.
A priest is more than a professional working as a spiritual facilitator; he is a shepherd. He is called, if necessary, to give his life for his sheep. It is not mere happenstance that we call our priests "Father". It is deeply symbolic of the role he plays as pastor. The priest needs to be, in a broad way to the parish, what a father or mother is their family. And while the needs of one's children come first for a parent, the needs of one's flock comes first for a pastor. So who to choose, then, if one of your kids has been in a car accident and is dying an hour away, begging for Daddy, and a parishioner is in the hospital down the road needing the Last Rites-- and you're the only priest for miles?
I can't speak for others... but for me, I don't think I could handle such a choice. Not that I'd be making such LARGE choices daily-- or ever-- but smaller, comparable choices would come up all the time. Either one or the other dear commitment must suffer. A doctor or lawyer can drop his or her clients with impunity, if something greater demands it... but how is a priest even to judge which is greater?
Ah well for us a priest is much more on a par with a doctor say..and I know one who is both (and a woman);) and she must have had a moment when one of the congregation collapsed during communion.
Since we don't "do" Extreme Unction that isn't an issue but otherwise I don't imagine the duties of Protestant clergy are any less than their Catholic counterparts (and many are also called Father or Pastor), and they seem to cope.
Most people do have to decide between career and family, and all professional women do. Even as a teacher I had to put my pupils first, and on occasion that was potentially life and death.
Parents with more than one child may be torn between their needs but most people have more than one child if they can. And I know only too well the great demands placed by elderly and infirm parents. That is the way the world works.
I guess I just don't see the difference you do between a priest and a doctor ..and I don't suppose we will convince each other. :)
No, I rather doubt that one of us will successfully convince the other... but it won't be for lack of trying.
LOL ...well you might want a more achievable goal...
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