Old, Old, Old

First off the bat, I love having two blogs. With the amount of response I can typically generate on my sillier half, I know that I am not a socially inept, unloved, friendless moron, leaving me free to wander whatever verbose, boring paths of thought I desire on this, the serious half of my life. (Okay, so I know there are at least a couple people who read this, but because of reasons above, I feel no need to pander to them.)

Anyway... moving on.

I feel old. Not bad old, but old. My brother hosted a Christmas party for the homeschool kids (memo to the forgetful: in spite of my normal ability to communicate, I was in fact homeschooled), all of whom I know to one extent or another.

And I feel old.

These were the junior high kids and the Grade 10s when I was in High School. Now... they're the cool high school kids. (Yes, homeschoolers have cool kids. They have not-cool kids too, alas.) And they've definitely done some growing up. It's starting to hit home to me that my brother is going to... graduate. This year. And be a grown-up. This year.

And that I am less than two months from twenty.

At the seminary, I am one of the baby seminarians. I'm bugged about being very "mature" (their word, not mine), but in terms of experience and age... yeah, definitely one of the babies. In seminary, turning twenty is... nothing. It barely puts me into the decade demographic of most of the seminarians.

So coming back home and getting my relationship to my old groups into perspective... it's a bit of a shock to realise that I'm getting "old". As I said, it's not a bad feeling. All my life thus far, I've always wanted to be older, to be with the older group. I've always felt most comfortable with older people-- and often most compatible as well.

And I love seeing people grow up. I love that bittersweet feeling of joy in seeing someone developing into a full-grown adult-- a fully flowered person. Some people love their babies and children as babies and children, and don't want to see them grow up... but not me. You can definitely could me among the "there is nothing better than to see someone grow up" camp. It thrills me to no end to see the homeschoolers go from kids to mature(er) teens, or seeing baby cousins almost ready to hit kindergarden. And I love speculating on what my younger siblings will be like as they age.

Growing up is hard. I know, I've done it. But it is rewarding. And the thing I will miss most about not having a family is being able to help bring children into the world, and then see them grown full and mature. It must be such a deeply satisfying feeling to set a child loose on the world, knowing they are ready to live. I can't imagine the agony of a parent who is letting go of a child they haven't properly prepared.